Friday, July 8, 2016


Jealousy is an interesting thing. It's a tiny monster, a green creature, a small speck of doubt in the back of your mind. It's always there, nagging, begging for attention. It grips you with its claws, and once it has you in its grasp, you will never be free again.

I get jealous very easily. Whether it's a friendship, or more often than not, a relationship, jealousy shows up like an unwanted relative at the door, demanding that I let it in.

Jealousy makes me bitter and snappy. I turn against people, and fear that I'll be left behind. It's bigger than a feeling for me now: some days it's more of a lifestyle. Not one I want, but one none the less. Always there, always whispering, always waiting to find my weak points. To stab the uncertainty into my insecurities, the chink in my armor. The second that doubt seeps into my mind, it's over. The monster claws at its chains, reaching and spitting, as I sit there quietly, and laugh it off.

Laugh it off, it really helps to laugh it all off. The laughing covers the sound of the doubt, the deafening silence that it produces. The laughter rises over the growling monster and the clinking chains. It rises and bubbles and no one can tell that the glint in my eyes is not just the sun shining brightly. It's the tears and the fears and the uncertainty that I live with daily.

Pretend not to care pretend not to care. People judge, when they learn about the monster living in my head. Why they do, I will never know. They all have their own monsters and their own doubt, but they judge all the same. I don't want to be the jealous friend, the clingy girlfriend. Yet the monster that's part of me is afraid: I don't want to be the friendless and the lonely. I'm so afraid of being left behind that I believe the doubts, the fears.

It doesn't go away. I've gotten better at controlling it, but it never leaves. I don't know why I have the monster anyway: maybe I was left one too many times as a child. It's anyone's guess, really. But it doesn't go away. You just learn to cope.

I learn to fall, even if I am so afraid that no one will catch me. I learn to let go, I learn to breathe. It doesn’t go away, but I learn to work through it, slowly. The laughing, the lashing out, the pretending. And the doubt... so much doubt, in the darkest corners of my mind.

Don't think I'm just this way by choice. I didn't choose this, and I'm working to alter it. To tame the monster in its cage, to work with the creature so we can both be free. I just get jealous because you're the best thing I've had in a long time, because I can't imagine losing what I now have. 

So please, think twice before you judge me and the monster living in my head, because I know you have your own battles to fight, however different. You and I are one and the same, both lost and spiraling through a beautiful yet terrifying world. Trying to figure everything out.

I live with a monster in my head, I live with constant jealousy. Constant doubt. Constant fear. I don't want to be the jealous friend, or the clingy girlfriend, but if you love me then you'll have to learn to work with me. I may have my monster, small and green, but I know that you have yours as well.


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